Three years ago I started college at BYU-Idaho. I was ridiculously excited--I began counting down the days from the moment I received my acceptance letter. A lot has happened since then. I have been counting down the days to graduation since I had more than 500 days left. Some of you reading this blog may have known me before I started school. Others of you may have met me during my time there. Naturally, a lot has changed in that time. I don't think anyone goes away to college or moves away from home without changing somewhat, and I'm no exception. I've learned to think in ways that I'm not used to thinking. I've been exposed to new ideas and met new people. Most of all, I've learned what it means to think for myself. Those of you who know me well know that I feel compelled to question anything and everything. Sometimes I do it purely to enjoy a good debate, and sometimes I'm being serious. I'm not always the most tactful person when it comes to debate, I'm afraid, but I think that I've learned how to be tactful when it is necessary. At least, I try to be tactful when it is necessary. That is what I am trying to do here.
During my first year of college, I spent a lot of time reading, praying, and thinking, and after what I can only describe as the most difficult time in my life, I came to the conclusion that I cannot muster any sort of belief in any sort of deity. I assure you, this is not a decision that I made lightly. The day when I first allowed myself to face my doubt was the most frightening of my life. The day when I finally let go of my futile search for rational reasons to believe in the supernatural was one of the most freeing. I'll try not to bore you or offend you with excessive details as to the reasons behind my decision. But at the very least I will try to help some of you understand, if I can, that I gave my decision the time and consideration that it deserved.
In the fall of 2009, sometime in October, I began having serious doubts about the truth of the LDS church. I'd put a lot of issues on the shelf over the years, and when I mustered the courage to face them, I found a lot more than I bargained for. Eventually, it came to a head. Late one night in my dorm at BYU-I, I realized that I couldn't believe in the church any longer. It was frightening, and over the next several months I went through a very difficult but very rewarding period of questioning and exploration. I spent a lot of time praying during this time. I spent many hours late at night locked in the bathroom, praying and crying and wishing for an answer. I did everything I was supposed to, everything that I had been taught that would bring answers. I waited for an answer, for some sort of resolution, some reason to believe. It never came.
The last time I prayed, really prayed, is one of my clearest memories. It was about two years ago now. I had been struggling for months with my doubt. I was emotionally and intellectually ripped apart and I needed to find some measure of closure. I couldn't do it anymore. I walked up the hill to the Rexburg temple and sat on the grass for several hours. I watched the sun go down and the stars come out. I prayed, cried, and thought for all of that time. I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest. But whatever I was expecting, nothing happened. After a few hours went by I looked up at the sky and thought, I've done everything I can. I've prayed. I've read. I've thought. I've waited. I have to let this go. If I'm going to be honest, then I have to admit that I do not and cannot believe. And that's okay.
I'm painfully aware that most, if not all, of you will find reasons to judge me and to rationalize my experiences. But in the end, they are mine, and I have found my peace. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to be free of constant cognotive dissonance. I don't expect anyone to agree with me or my decisions, and frankly everyone is free to make of them what they will. My purpose in writing this blog post is not to justify myself. It's just that I've spent a very long time pretending to be something that I am not and to believe things that I do not, and I'm tired of pretending. This is who I am. I am finally being honest with others as well as myself.
I am a graduate of BYU-Idaho, and I am an atheist.
