Chivalry

Person: "Chivalry is dead."

Me: "Good."

Over the last semester, I have gotten quite adept at pissing people off. Specifically, I've offended several people by expressing my distaste for the concept of chivalry. I suppose the fact that I think that way could be construed to mean that I'm rude or something like that. To be honest, I'm not going to treat anyone badly because they do things that are considered "chivalrous." I'm not going to glare at a guy for opening the door for me; I know as well as anyone that he's only trying to be nice. I don't go through life trying to pick fights. I take things in the spirit that they're meant.

But.

There's just something about the whole concept of chivalry that really makes me uncomfortable. And that seems difficult for a lot of the people that I've pissed off to understand. I can see why; on the surface, chivalry is guys being nice to girls. It's holding the door for her, carrying her stuff, standing when she walks in the room (*shudder*). I mean, who can complain about men treating women with respect, right? The fact that I find the concept annoying must mean that I'm some kind of horrible, man-hating witch, right? Not exactly. I like men. A lot, actually. I am not unreasonable or intentionally mean.

Here is why chivalry bothers me. I think that it puts men and women on unequal footing, and there are several dimensions to this. First, it puts women on pedestals. I have a serious problem with that. Gloria Steinem, the infamous feminist, said that "a pedestal is as much a prison as any other small, confined place." Putting women on pedestals and glorifying them as angels worthy of some kind of worship/veneration/special treatment puts them into little boxes. But we're not angels. We're human beings. The "women are so much better then us rude, uncultured men" rhetoric dehumanizes us, and ironically I think that it's condescending. It's a two-dimensional view of both men and women. People are so much more complex than that, and it is a disservice to both genders to behave as if one is pure and angelic while the other is base, clueless and crude. It's a disturbing mix of misogyny and misandry. Can we please just be people, warts and all?

Secondly, I think that chivalrous conventions draw unwarranted attention to gender. Gender is very relevant, it is very important, and there are a lot of differences between men and women. I'm not arguing that. But when you look at another human being, you should see more than just their race or age--or gender. Certainly those things are important and they are important parts of what make up a person, but the important thing is the person. When I walk into a room, I want people to go "Oh, it's Aubrie" not "Oh, it's a woman, better stand up/hold the door."

Thirdly, I believe that chivalry puts men and women on unequal footing. When a man opens the door for me, naturally I say thank you. But, depending on the situation, I sometimes feel manipulated. Not always. I open the door for people all the time, both men and women. And I can usually tell from people's body language whether someone's holding the door just to be polite or because I'm a woman. If I'm right behind them, or they get to the door first, then it's clearly common courtesy. But if I'm ten feet behind and some guy holds the door, it's annoying. If I'm walking with a guy and he has to reach around me specifically to hold the door instead of just letting me walk through and hold it open behind me like a normal person, it feels condescending to me--even though I know it's not meant that way. I feel a strange and uncomfortable sense of obligation.

I honestly think that chivalry can be used in a way that is really manipulative, by both men and women. I remember a Young Women activity where we had a discussion with the missionaries about dating conventions. The missionaries made us promise never to open doors for ourselves on dates, even if it meant sitting in the car for five minutes until the guy realized his grave error and came back to get us. I mean, seriously. How messed up is that? What kind of message is that supposed to send? "I can't open a doggone door, so you need to do it for me?" That's obviously not true. "You are a lesser human being and I am a divine angel, and so you need to grovel for me?" That's misandry, which I have just as much of a problem with as misogyny. And I do find it disturbing that a couple twenty-odd-year-old men would tell a group of girls not to open doors for themselves, to insist that men do it for them. I think that brings a power dynamic into a relationship that is highly distasteful.

Most of all, why? Why is chivalry something that we do? Is it just because it's a cultural convention? That doesn't make it worth preserving--segregation and the "women belong at home" paradigm were cultural conventions as well. I don't think anyone's going to argue that fully grown women actually need to be taken care of. So what's the point? I don't understand women who claim to want equality, and then complain if a guy doesn't open the door or give up his seat for her. That's what equality is, woman! It's not getting or giving special treatment on the basis of something as silly and undeserved as gender.

Being treated like a princess is nice, I'll admit. But it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I prefer to interact with men--with everyone, really--as equals. Obviously I want to be treated with respect, but "chivalry" as a counterfeit version of respect strikes me as incredibly phony. I don't want to be "respected" for being female. I want to be respected for me--for my intelligence, for my sense of humor, for my work ethic, and most of all for simply being another human being. There are so many other things that mean so much more to me than empty and archaic gestures meant to make up for gender inequalities that, for the most part, no longer exist. Look at my face when I'm talking to you. Take the things I say seriously. Get to know me for who I am, and not just as a two-dimensional version of womanhood that you picked up from our culture. Criticize my ideas when you don't like them. Argue with me. Respect my status as an adult with her own ideas, autonomy, faults, and mistakes.

A final word. My real problem with chivalry as "being nice" boils down to the fact that it's a one-way street in my view; men treating women nice. I just think that everybody should be nice to everybody else. When it comes to relationships, I don't want a man to "protect" me. I do want him to have my back, so to speak, and I will have his back as well. Allow me to give an example from one of my favorite movies, Ever After. The movie starts out with Prince Henry being chivalrous--"how dare you raise your voice to a lady?" (When Danielle obviously has no problem with being shouted at, or with shouting back--unbeknownst to Henry, she's already given him an earful and several bruises.) But by the end, Henry's figured out that Danielle doesn't need protecting. She's perfectly capable of slicing her would-be rapist from navel to nose, while her feet are shackled no less. He starts out assuming that she's like all the other women at court, expecting to be protected and sheltered. By the end they have a much healthier relationship because he has learned to see her not as a "lady," but simply as Danielle. He's got her back, you can bet on it. And she has his back too--she's the one who got him out of the mess with the gypsies. It's not about chivalry anymore, about the prince and his fair lady. It's Henry and Danielle. That's equality. That's a healthy relationship, without all this silly baggage about "you're a woman and so I have to treat you differently than I would treat other human beings."

I want to be valued for who I am, not for the fact that I have a uterus.